As you try to figure out what happened to your marriage, it’s natural to look at details about the other woman for answers.
What does she look like? How old is she? What does she do? In asking these questions, you are looking for the thing about her that is nothing like you that will make this make sense. If you find what she has that you don’t, that will be your answer as to what is wrong with you and give you a reason for why he left. It also may make you feel like there is something you can do to fix it. You can just change yourself to whatever she is, and he will come back.
Stop right here, because this is all about you looking for the flaw in yourself that made this happen, and this is not about you. He did not leave because of something wrong with you. Really. He didn’t. It may not feel that way right now, but it’s true. He left because of what is wrong with him.
If you look at her and find out she is younger, thinner, has a more professional career, or a different lifestyle, your mind registers that as proof of where you are lacking, which becomes evidence of why he left. You are literally building a case against yourself. It’s almost as if you get to a point where you’d say, “I’d leave me too.” That is not the truth. It’s your pain talking. It keeps you stuck in the shock and pain of what happened instead of helping you move through it.
Your mind reaches for a reason because a reason is easier to handle than what happened. If the problem is that you are older than her, or look different, or less impressive on paper, then there is something to fix and some way you could have kept him. That is the false promise inside the comparing, and it is why you keep going back to it. You are looking for a version of this where you had some control over what he did. You did not. He made this choice inside his own head, for reasons that belong to him, and being younger or thinner would not have changed his mind.
His leaving was a decision he made. It came from his own choices and flaws, and his willingness to walk away from a commitment. A man’s decision to leave measures his character. It means nothing about your value as a woman or a wife.
You are defining yourself by what he did and who he is with. Look at what that is costing you. You are allowing him, and what he does, to show you what you mean to the world. What are you believing about yourself right now that is letting you do that? Your value exists with or without him. It always has.
If you’re spinning in doubts about whether you were good enough or if you caused him to leave, book a free Clarity Call. We will go over why this happens, and I can help you find the direction that takes you away from looking to him to solve your pain. You will also receive a worthiness exercise to use after our call.
